Mother's Day was wonderful, and very hard, all at the same time. My amazing husband bought me this swing for my porch (it looks great on him, doesn't it?), and I LOVE it - it's super comfortable and fun to read and relax in. The kids love it too! The kiddos gave me some petunia's in hanging baskets, and a heart necklace and pearl earrings. My family spoiled me.
The hard part was missing Tamara. Knowing that part of our family was facing Mother's Day for the first time without their mommy. Or wife. Or daughter.
I've started taking spin classes on Mon, Wed and Fri and Vinyasa Yoga classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I've only been doing it for a few days, but I'm determined to stick with it. It means waking up at 5 am (yuck) but it's the only way that I can fit it into the day. Since my hysterectomy I've been struggling with depression and anxiety, and since Tamara it has been a LOT worse. The doctor told me that working out for at least 45 minutes every day and changing my diet would work just like an anti-depressant. And I can honestly say that after only three days I feel a million times better. I know that this is only the beginning, and the results will be better the longer I stick with it. I'm not there yet, but I feel strong enough to start taking those baby steps, and soon my steps will get bigger. I know that I will still have bad days. I know that my heart will ache for Tamara as I watch the kiddo's and the husband that she loved so dearly work their way through life without her. And when I see my husband missing his big sister. But there will be good days, too. And we will laugh and love and live. And cry. And then laugh and love and live some more.
I've never gone through this before. This journey is rough, and I'm not sure how to get through it. I think that I'm probably messing up quite a bit. But I keep walking, and moving, and alternately carrying others and letting them carry me. Part of what makes this so hard is watching the people I love walk through this as well. It's hard to hurt, but it's so much harder to watch my kids and nieces and nephew and husband hurt, too. But we're all making it. One day at a time.
